I get many good ideas while flying, but this particularly superb idea came to me early in the morning as I traveled to work with Boobie. The war torn country of Iraq needs a leader. At least that is what the reporter on NPR said to us over the airwaves. The image hit me in an instant. It was in full color in addition to full audio. The governor of Caleefornya wants desperately to be the leader of our free world. Since he is foreign born this will never happen. Well then, why not leader of a free Iraq. We can send the Terminator overseas to the Middle East to take over the office of the Presidency. Before you start crying Coup de Tete, Soup de Jour, or any other quaint Frenchisms (I’ll get to them in a minute) let me explain my democratic position. Sure, we wouldn’t let the Iraqi people vote for Arnold, but we didn’t really let them vote in the last open election (not really). So, it’s still a democratic process. They can pretend to vote for The Terminator, Commando, Conan, Dennis Quaid, Mr. Freeze, or whoever his character was in Predator (Dutch?). Put them all on the ballot. It beats the hell out of the two party system and only one guy has to campaign and he wins by default.
Let me explain a few of the bonuses of Arnold as President of Iraq. As the Terminator he can travel back and forth in time. Tell me how this can’t be a good thing. If he screws something up, like appointing Ted Kennedy to his cabinet as the Secretary of Liquor, he can go back in time, appear naked and crouched, and modify his appointment to someone more deserving, say Nick Nolte. As his character from Commando he can virtually rescue any kidnapped reporters or Christian proselytizers from the angry grip of terrorists. As Conan the Barbarian he can have the whole city of Baghdad secure with one swipe of his monster sword. Also, having Wilt Chamberlin as Secretary of Defense (sorry Scotty Pippen [Stu, correct me if I’m wrong, it may have been Bobby Jones, my NBA posters are long gone]) will surely help clean up any outlying murderous zealots. In addition, like Saddam, he already has a body double for protection (see Danny Devito; Twins).
I truly have a hard time finding any problems with this idea. He’s a perfect fit for Iraq and it gives a chance for California to elect another movie star, maybe Kiefer Sutherland. Since he’s not making any more movies (Andy Dick replaces him in Terminator Four) Hollywood won’t miss him and neither will I. Oh yeah, back to the French. Once Iraq starts to really prosper we can send him and his cabinet to France to fix Euro Disney. Tell me that wouldn’t get green lighted as a reality show on VH1 in mere seconds.
