Never too Late to Run

First of all, let me say the Apocrypher staff really stepped up this issue to provide you with the “news you don’t need”. Minor cajoling lit a fire under them I’ve never seen before. This may be the greatest issue to date. Even some of our infrequent writers came out of their caves and brought us their juicy stories of utter nonsense. So, I want to give a big hand clap to the KA staff, your compensation will be forthcoming.

 

Now for the news. It’s been customary to wrap up the year with a review but I’d rather like to preview the upcoming farce in Iowa. First of all, who decided it should be Iowa to lead off the choice for leader of the free world? It’s like letting Britney Spears decide what the next great energy source should be, hydrogen or cocaine. Which leads me to hydrogen, aka Barack Obama.  He’s number one on the periodic chart. One molecule that has the potential to fuel the country for decades but has the hidden potential to blow up an entire city with one split of an atom. He claims to be anti-partisan, void of mudslinging and friend of the owl. The question everyone is after, does he have the experience? Does the current douche bag in the oval office have the experience? Someone elected him to office, twice, so why now does experience in foreign affairs matter? It is obvious it doesn’t take any experience to get elected to the highest office in the world. Only one person can know what volume of experience it takes to be President and that’s Dick Cheney.  Now to the cocaine, aka Hillary Clinton. Everybody likes to do cocaine but they always do it in the bathroom or closet so no one sees them do it. Do we want cocaine for President? Plus, this cocaine has been cut so many times the potency is that of crushed SmartiesÓ and is chalked full of so much filler you don’t know what you are buying. It may get you high or may give you a major headache. I’m not endorsing either one of these two for the Democratic nomination. Hydrogen has indeed ventured into the mudslinging arena and has tarnished his armor in my mind. If you don’t want to be a typical politician then don’t act like one. Cocaine has too much reliance on her Dealer (aka Bubba) and most likely won’t ever be pure or potent.  With that said, the Khaos Apocrypher announces it’s endorsement of George McGovern for the Democratic nomination for President. We need you George. You’re old as hell but we only need four years. You’ll legalize pot, keep abortion safe and get us the hell out of Iraq. The Republican voters in this country owe you a solid for the Tricky Dick fiasco. Hell, Republican voters owe all of us for the last eight miserable years.

 

Finally, I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Thanks to all the staff at the Apocrypher and to all our gorgeous readers. Without you, we wouldn’t have the funds to publish such vital piece of journalism. Our parent company Artificial Khaos Productions is currently developing many new projects and we will keep you informed of them all. Peace and Love. 

Arnold, Leader of Iraq

I get many good ideas while flying, but this particularly superb idea came to me early in the morning as I traveled to work with Boobie. The war torn country of Iraq needs a leader. At least that is what the reporter on NPR said to us over the airwaves. The image hit me in an instant. It was in full color in addition to full audio. The governor of Caleefornya wants desperately to be the leader of our free world. Since he is foreign born this will never happen. Well then, why not leader of a free Iraq. We can send the Terminator overseas to the Middle East to take over the office of the Presidency. Before you start crying Coup de Tete, Soup de Jour, or any other quaint Frenchisms (I’ll get to them in a minute) let me explain my democratic position. Sure, we wouldn’t let the Iraqi people vote for Arnold, but we didn’t really let them vote in the last open election (not really). So, it’s still a democratic process. They can pretend to vote for The Terminator, Commando, Conan, Dennis Quaid, Mr. Freeze, or whoever his character was in Predator (Dutch?). Put them all on the ballot. It beats the hell out of the two party system and only one guy has to campaign and he wins by default.

Let me explain a few of the bonuses of Arnold as President of Iraq. As the Terminator he can travel back and forth in time. Tell me how this can’t be a good thing. If he screws something up, like appointing Ted Kennedy to his cabinet as the Secretary of Liquor, he can go back in time, appear naked and crouched, and modify his appointment to someone more deserving, say Nick Nolte. As his character from Commando he can virtually rescue any kidnapped reporters or Christian proselytizers from the angry grip of terrorists.  As Conan the Barbarian he can have the whole city of Baghdad secure with one swipe of his monster sword. Also, having Wilt Chamberlin as Secretary of Defense (sorry Scotty Pippen [Stu, correct me if I’m wrong, it may have been Bobby Jones, my NBA posters are long gone]) will surely help clean up any outlying murderous zealots. In addition, like Saddam, he already has a body double for protection (see Danny Devito; Twins).

I truly have a hard time finding any problems with this idea. He’s a perfect fit for Iraq and it gives a chance for California to elect another movie star, maybe Kiefer Sutherland. Since he’s not making any more movies (Andy Dick replaces him in Terminator Four) Hollywood won’t miss him and neither will I. Oh yeah, back to the French. Once Iraq starts to really prosper we can send him and his cabinet to France to fix Euro Disney. Tell me that wouldn’t get green lighted as a reality show on VH1 in mere seconds. 

Brand Spanking New

The new blog for the Artificial Khaos - Khaos Apocrypher. A musical journey via electronic data collected by a few mediocre savants from across the country. Feel free to discuss stories from the latest issues of the Apocrypher or the archives of newsletters. Feel free to submit stories for upcoming issues. Stay Swell. Doctor Gonzo. Editor.